It's Monday night.
Thank God for the public holiday because I cannot imagine having to go through another week after barely making it out alive last week.
"This week feels exceptionally long," I told Jo. I must have told her the same thing twice a day from Wednesday onwards. It was unbearably long not because I had to work five days but because I had to deal with one too many unreasonable situations.
I believe I was raised and trained by the best such that my threshold for bullshit is incredible. I'm not sure how many out there could sit through the kind of situations I did without uttering a word, just trying to make sense of what was going on.
Six months into this job and I've gotten the most ridiculous feedback. Oh, I didn't think of them as ridiculous feedback from the start. When I was first told, I took the feedback seriously. I wasn't eager to prove myself but I wanted to improve myself for me.
One of the Mondays a few weeks ago, I found myself in a car with my assistant director. She had taken the opportunity to bring up the interview for a managerial role I applied for but never got to go for because I was overseas. I wondered, there and then why that conversation was necessary. Maybe she felt it was necessary to tell me she felt I was "not ready for position" and that I needed to "improve on my soft skills".
That really piqued my curiosity. I was trying to figure out where this conversation was headed so I let her speak her mind. Conclusion? Bullshit.
It's bullshit because she was making judgments about me based on what she had observed or heard from others. It is also complete bullshit because the days that followed that conversation, a senior manager had behaved like an ultimate brat to me:
"You see lah, never get my approval. Tsk, tsk, tsk."
I was this close to turning around and telling her neither I nor the persons from the other division had the whole day to wait for her to finally have time to look through the draft. Oh, and it seemed that both my assistant director and her had failed to understand that I did not give my approval for anything. (Who was I to, anyway? I'm but a minion.) All I did was merely give my comments. If that matter was of importance to any of them, they could've sent out another email in addition to mine but nope. Instead, my assistant director felt it was more appropriate to send me an email saying:
"Please get either one of our clearance before you reply next time."
Noted with thanks.
The same senior manager tsk, tsk, tsk me twice that day.
Talk about soft skills, man.
Now that whole "you need to improve on your soft skills" suggestion is completely nullified. Why am I to improve on my soft skills when the senior manager doesn't behave with any standard?
Fast-forward to last week as I was walking to the toilet with Jo, we bumped into our deputy director who later feedback to my reporting officer that "Jo and Smita are strolling around".
I'm speechless.
I never knew going to the toilet was considered strolling around. But I must admit that I've strolled around a couple of times. It's called taking a break, for goodness sake. Am I the only one who gets stiff shoulders and dry eyes from staring at the damned computer the whole day? I sure hope not.
Later that same day, a manager sat the both of us down and told us a few things on how to behave. That included using another toilet and walking fast.
It is almost laughable but I had already prepared myself for that. I'd like to think this manager was genuinely looking out for us because we have one too many spies in the office who are feeding our bosses unnecessary information. But we're being watched and I figured it would all boil down to this petty conversation one day.
Use another toilet? Sure, not a problem. Luckily we've quite a few toilets to choose from. Walk fast? This. I'm sorry but at 149cm tall, there is very little I can do to walk fast unless you expect me to spare that extra effort.
(The latter argument came about because if the bosses caught us walking slowly, they'd assume we have nothing to do. Well, I'm also sorry that the bosses are busy people?)
That day was tough as hell.
Earlier in the day, my reporting officer told me about my deputy director's opinion on my captions, dubbing it "so Smita's style". I wish she could tell me just what Smita's style is.
In my defence, if you expect photos to be uploaded within three working days and you're not in the offie on Mondays and Tuesdays, then my best bet is to go with the safest captions to meet the deadlines. And just in case you think captioning photos is all I've got to do, I actually spend a good 2 hours on it, among all the other work I've to do.
There is no such thing as Smita's style. I'm always experimenting new styles, writing new articles. I've gone from automobile articles to reviews to even feature articles and medical articles. I've probably written more articles than anyone in the office and here I have to deal with "so Smita's style".
So there, I was already offended. If it were constructive criticism, I'd take it with an open heart. Ask any of my editors out there and they can vouch I'm more than keen to learn how I can improve my writing. But for my captions to be criticised by someone who's not even in tune with the generation or knows the purpose of captions to begin with? I'm sorry man, that's a no-no.
Then came Friday - the worse of all days.
To cut the long story short, there was a dispute case going on and the manager in charge of the project finally stepped in to try and resolve it. Along the way, I tried to correct a statement she had said. It would be utterly unfair to the participants who had complained about a trainer if we simply brushed it off just because they were the only two persons who complained.
It's one of those ambiguous cases where you cannot say for sure there were no other dissatisfactions because there are a whole lot of reasons out there why people wouldn't complain even if they were unhappy. In return, all I got was a "Are you going to call up the 4 other CCs and check with every participant if they're not happy? If not, you shut up." with a finger to my face.
You said it, I shut up.
After all, I'm nothing but a minion. I've no decision making power and so it's between the manager and the others to resolve the issue.
She later found me and apologised in private.
But that's not the point? Point is, the damage has been done.
As a manager, she refused to take ownership of this project and kept telling me to not to push so hard for the next run. I know, I know; even my assistant director told me to manage the project on my own now that it's been streamlined. And I'm fine with that. But don't come and act all high and mighty when you've been missing in action for the longest time?
The problem is whenever new blood enters, they are trained to enforce the same ideals and work culture as the previous leaders without realising that the same damned system that worked magic in the last 50 years is not going to work the same anymore.
Everyone is aware times are changing, people are changing. It is absolutely hypocritical to try and focus on developing a series of soft skills courses when the same people lack that emotional intelligence. And that's what frustrates me.
Sure, some people are going to call me out and say I'm weak and whatnot. But I'm so done.
When I sent a friend off a couple of weeks ago, I stared into her coffin and told her how she had that gangster look on her face but seemed at peace with herself. I knew the circumstances she was in yet I told myself we'd have as much time as we needed to catch up.
I was wrong.
Life is too short. I may not be as great in business operations but I know what people management skills and emotional intelligence are.
I can put up with all sorts of accuses and disrespect. I can go on working as per normal without compromising my productivity and efficiency. But have you any idea what it feels like to walk into office everyday feeling edgy? I don't even have the energy to defend myself anymore. What is the point exactly in trying to clear my name and right the wrongs against me when the root of the problem is never going to be solved.
Oh well, life sure is interesting. I'm sure this too shall pass but in the meantime, let me just gather whatever strength I have left to walk into office everyday to do a decent job, and earn a living.
Thank God for the public holiday because I cannot imagine having to go through another week after barely making it out alive last week.
"This week feels exceptionally long," I told Jo. I must have told her the same thing twice a day from Wednesday onwards. It was unbearably long not because I had to work five days but because I had to deal with one too many unreasonable situations.
I believe I was raised and trained by the best such that my threshold for bullshit is incredible. I'm not sure how many out there could sit through the kind of situations I did without uttering a word, just trying to make sense of what was going on.
Six months into this job and I've gotten the most ridiculous feedback. Oh, I didn't think of them as ridiculous feedback from the start. When I was first told, I took the feedback seriously. I wasn't eager to prove myself but I wanted to improve myself for me.
One of the Mondays a few weeks ago, I found myself in a car with my assistant director. She had taken the opportunity to bring up the interview for a managerial role I applied for but never got to go for because I was overseas. I wondered, there and then why that conversation was necessary. Maybe she felt it was necessary to tell me she felt I was "not ready for position" and that I needed to "improve on my soft skills".
That really piqued my curiosity. I was trying to figure out where this conversation was headed so I let her speak her mind. Conclusion? Bullshit.
It's bullshit because she was making judgments about me based on what she had observed or heard from others. It is also complete bullshit because the days that followed that conversation, a senior manager had behaved like an ultimate brat to me:
"You see lah, never get my approval. Tsk, tsk, tsk."
I was this close to turning around and telling her neither I nor the persons from the other division had the whole day to wait for her to finally have time to look through the draft. Oh, and it seemed that both my assistant director and her had failed to understand that I did not give my approval for anything. (Who was I to, anyway? I'm but a minion.) All I did was merely give my comments. If that matter was of importance to any of them, they could've sent out another email in addition to mine but nope. Instead, my assistant director felt it was more appropriate to send me an email saying:
"Please get either one of our clearance before you reply next time."
Noted with thanks.
The same senior manager tsk, tsk, tsk me twice that day.
Talk about soft skills, man.
Now that whole "you need to improve on your soft skills" suggestion is completely nullified. Why am I to improve on my soft skills when the senior manager doesn't behave with any standard?
Fast-forward to last week as I was walking to the toilet with Jo, we bumped into our deputy director who later feedback to my reporting officer that "Jo and Smita are strolling around".
I'm speechless.
I never knew going to the toilet was considered strolling around. But I must admit that I've strolled around a couple of times. It's called taking a break, for goodness sake. Am I the only one who gets stiff shoulders and dry eyes from staring at the damned computer the whole day? I sure hope not.
Later that same day, a manager sat the both of us down and told us a few things on how to behave. That included using another toilet and walking fast.
It is almost laughable but I had already prepared myself for that. I'd like to think this manager was genuinely looking out for us because we have one too many spies in the office who are feeding our bosses unnecessary information. But we're being watched and I figured it would all boil down to this petty conversation one day.
Use another toilet? Sure, not a problem. Luckily we've quite a few toilets to choose from. Walk fast? This. I'm sorry but at 149cm tall, there is very little I can do to walk fast unless you expect me to spare that extra effort.
(The latter argument came about because if the bosses caught us walking slowly, they'd assume we have nothing to do. Well, I'm also sorry that the bosses are busy people?)
That day was tough as hell.
Earlier in the day, my reporting officer told me about my deputy director's opinion on my captions, dubbing it "so Smita's style". I wish she could tell me just what Smita's style is.
In my defence, if you expect photos to be uploaded within three working days and you're not in the offie on Mondays and Tuesdays, then my best bet is to go with the safest captions to meet the deadlines. And just in case you think captioning photos is all I've got to do, I actually spend a good 2 hours on it, among all the other work I've to do.
There is no such thing as Smita's style. I'm always experimenting new styles, writing new articles. I've gone from automobile articles to reviews to even feature articles and medical articles. I've probably written more articles than anyone in the office and here I have to deal with "so Smita's style".
So there, I was already offended. If it were constructive criticism, I'd take it with an open heart. Ask any of my editors out there and they can vouch I'm more than keen to learn how I can improve my writing. But for my captions to be criticised by someone who's not even in tune with the generation or knows the purpose of captions to begin with? I'm sorry man, that's a no-no.
Then came Friday - the worse of all days.
To cut the long story short, there was a dispute case going on and the manager in charge of the project finally stepped in to try and resolve it. Along the way, I tried to correct a statement she had said. It would be utterly unfair to the participants who had complained about a trainer if we simply brushed it off just because they were the only two persons who complained.
It's one of those ambiguous cases where you cannot say for sure there were no other dissatisfactions because there are a whole lot of reasons out there why people wouldn't complain even if they were unhappy. In return, all I got was a "Are you going to call up the 4 other CCs and check with every participant if they're not happy? If not, you shut up." with a finger to my face.
You said it, I shut up.
After all, I'm nothing but a minion. I've no decision making power and so it's between the manager and the others to resolve the issue.
She later found me and apologised in private.
But that's not the point? Point is, the damage has been done.
As a manager, she refused to take ownership of this project and kept telling me to not to push so hard for the next run. I know, I know; even my assistant director told me to manage the project on my own now that it's been streamlined. And I'm fine with that. But don't come and act all high and mighty when you've been missing in action for the longest time?
The problem is whenever new blood enters, they are trained to enforce the same ideals and work culture as the previous leaders without realising that the same damned system that worked magic in the last 50 years is not going to work the same anymore.
Everyone is aware times are changing, people are changing. It is absolutely hypocritical to try and focus on developing a series of soft skills courses when the same people lack that emotional intelligence. And that's what frustrates me.
Sure, some people are going to call me out and say I'm weak and whatnot. But I'm so done.
When I sent a friend off a couple of weeks ago, I stared into her coffin and told her how she had that gangster look on her face but seemed at peace with herself. I knew the circumstances she was in yet I told myself we'd have as much time as we needed to catch up.
I was wrong.
Life is too short. I may not be as great in business operations but I know what people management skills and emotional intelligence are.
I can put up with all sorts of accuses and disrespect. I can go on working as per normal without compromising my productivity and efficiency. But have you any idea what it feels like to walk into office everyday feeling edgy? I don't even have the energy to defend myself anymore. What is the point exactly in trying to clear my name and right the wrongs against me when the root of the problem is never going to be solved.
Oh well, life sure is interesting. I'm sure this too shall pass but in the meantime, let me just gather whatever strength I have left to walk into office everyday to do a decent job, and earn a living.
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