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I get so mad at myself

From the backseat, I peered through the gap between the front seat's head rest and the rest of its body. I observed the way my driver was restless in his seat - the same restlessness reflected in his driving as he jammed the brakes one too many times.

"We're gonna hit," I thought to myself every single time we came too close to the car in front of us.

I fear for my life whenever I encounter impatient drivers. But more than the fear that was going wild in my stomach, many other thoughts sprung up in my mind. It was the kind of thoughts that sat quietly yet dominantly.

Demons.

Within seconds, I was staring right back at my 16-year-old despondent self. I felt like the same belligerent teen losing her ground waging war in this unfamiliar world. 

I was fighting myself - the person I hated the most. I still do today.

It was a bad day.

No, it has been many bad days.

And I hate to admit it.

Or maybe what I hate more is feeling the same helplessness I did when I was a vessel of negative energy purely existing but never really living. I hate thinking back to the time I believed I would feel better if I disappeared into nothingness. 

If only I could.

When those thoughts surface, they bring with them a newfound dim glow. I call them a disgusting relationship, a constant deadweight that sets me back from moving forward. 

Those thoughts never fail to remind me I am nothing. No matter what I do, whether I excel brilliantly or fail terrible, I amount to nothing.

I had wished that at 24, I would be struggling less to stay afloat. I imagine with everything I've been through, I would be riding life's many highs and lows like a seasoned racer. 

Master at pretense. 

It has been many bad days.

The common cold is driving me crazy with incessant coughing and occasional sneezes.

I've been so unproductive. And even when I get work done, they're littered with mistakes. I can see invisible red markings on my work the way my teachers used to cross out my wrongs.

I get so mad at myself for making mistakes. 

But even on the gloomiest days, you'll find me with a smile. 

Always, a smile.
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