As I watched him lay there with a neck brace moaning in pain from multiple rib fractures, all I could do was cry.
It was an uncontrollable sob governed by pure emotions of shock, fear, and ultimately despodence. My mind was blank, incapable of thought.
Less than an hour ago, my sister walked into my room and said, "Ma, don't get a shock." By then, I had jumped wide awake. "Your son got involved in a car accident."
My heart sank like all the other times it did when we were rudely awakened at 530AM in the morning. It seemed like the most appropriate hour for misfortune to happen - my aunt's passing, my grandpa's admittance. That morning felt all too familiar but the only words I was capable of "Never mind, let's get changed first."
It was an uncontrollable sob governed by pure emotions of shock, fear, and ultimately despodence. My mind was blank, incapable of thought.
Less than an hour ago, my sister walked into my room and said, "Ma, don't get a shock." By then, I had jumped wide awake. "Your son got involved in a car accident."
My heart sank like all the other times it did when we were rudely awakened at 530AM in the morning. It seemed like the most appropriate hour for misfortune to happen - my aunt's passing, my grandpa's admittance. That morning felt all too familiar but the only words I was capable of "Never mind, let's get changed first."
~~~~~~~~~~
The last two weeks have been nothing short of tumultuous, belligerent even. Hard as I try, I found myself breaking down one too many times. Sleep was rare and far between and whatever little rest I got wasn't enough to help me recover from emotions lined with ambivalence.
I hate being the bearer of bad news. But as my brother laid in the hospital, asleep under the influence of morphine to help him cope with the tremendous pain, I sent a message to his friends to let them know what had went down that morning.
It was interesting to see their responses, and what was more interesting was having a look into the life my brother had kept secret from us.
In the hours that followed, I decoded the life he hid away from the family and it really hit a raw spot.
~~~~~~~~~~
When I lost the father figure in my life, my brother naturally assumed that role as man of the household. He provided for me through my four years in university. Occasionally, I might have even looked to him as the father figure I grew up without.
But we never really hung out.
The 7-year age gap we share clearly had an impact on the relationship we have. We didn't share many common topics and I felt embarrassed to discuss the few we did.
Over the years, we reached a point where we've inevitably taken on a smaller, non-existent role in each other's lives.
Now we're making amendments.
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It was a huge, huge heartache.
The morning before we went to visit our father's resting ground, my brother told us that he dreamt of Papa and Papa was furious. And when we were there, he cried facing my father.
We all did.
That day, I made a promise to Papa. I apologised that even after 18 years, he is unable to rest in peace. Then I said, "We'll do better from now on."
I have spent more time with my brother in the last two weeks than I have collectively in the last two years. We watched Tomb Raider, bought him a new bag for work, and I made him pinky promise me he won't ever do what he did again.
More importantly, we talked about the future. In time, this responsibility as the older sibling will be returned to him. I will learn to rely as I did before
We will all need to make certain adjustments in our lives to accommodate one another. We will need to help one another tide through this uneasy period. But we are family. And to me, family means more than living under the same roof or eating at the same table.
It means we have each other's backs.
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