An unintentional break.
2018 has truly been a challenging year, and an even harder one for any content creation. Each time I'm inspired to update this space, the drive disappears as soon as I come face-to-face with this blank page.
But I'm hoping it'll be different today.
At the moment, there are many thoughts rushing through my mind but the one word that sums it all up is realisations.
I remember the first day of work at my previous workplace with much clarity. We were in the midst of preparing for a high-point event and I was not spared the hustle from the get-go. There was no such thing as "getting used to the pace". It was busy from the start and that lasted for 19 months.
It was 19 months of rewarding, meaningful experience that I look back at with pride and gratitude. In that short amount of time, I learned to organise and execute events, interact with residents offline and online, design and copywrite posters, manage social media accounts, and so on. Indeed, I do have much to celebrate about my stint there.
19 months later, my then Deputy Director encouraged me to move on. She came from a good place, and she had nothing but confidence in my ability to secure a permanent job. After a good 1 hour of "nagging", I began my search for my next job.
True enough, I earned myself a non-contractual position. For the first time in 2 years (ie. since I graduated), I finally scored a permanent job. My mom was over the moon. I, on the other hand, was hesitant. The job I was in empowered me to take charge and I enjoyed the steep learning curve. Will my next job give me the same sense of accomplishment?
I don't know.
It's hard to explain what my job entails to people outside of my section. (For the same reason, I haven't been able to update my LinkedIn profile.) But I would like to believe that we are the behind-the-scene heroes. Just that what I want to believe and what I currently believe are worlds apart.
Exactly 5 months into the job and I'm still not sure what my purpose is. I'm not sure if I'm doing a decent job. I'm not sure how I can improve and be better at what I do. I'm not sure if my bosses made the right decision picking me for the job.
As compared to my previous job, I knew exactly what was expected of me. There were indicators to assess my performance and I always knew where I stood against my own standards and my bosses'. Here, it's a different ball game altogether.
I'm not sure I will ever find out if I'm doing a good-enough job or if I'm meeting expectations, and not knowing where I stand sometimes invites anxiety and uncertainty. On those bad days, the inner voices tell me I'm aberrant and a terrible fit for the job. I often wonder if I shouldn't have left my previous workplace or if I should have gone into full-time writing. But now that I'm here, all I can do is acquiesce the situation I am in and make the best out of it -- the way I always (try to) do.
I'm learning to be okay with the way things are. And some days, I am really okay.
I learned that even if work is few and far between, I will strive to deliver my best. I learned that it's natural to be unsure, and there's no shame in asking "stupid" questions. I learned that lunchtime can be as simple as talking about the birds we hear in our neighbourhoods, and still be enjoyable.
2018 has truly been a challenging year, and an even harder one for any content creation. Each time I'm inspired to update this space, the drive disappears as soon as I come face-to-face with this blank page.
But I'm hoping it'll be different today.
At the moment, there are many thoughts rushing through my mind but the one word that sums it all up is realisations.
I remember the first day of work at my previous workplace with much clarity. We were in the midst of preparing for a high-point event and I was not spared the hustle from the get-go. There was no such thing as "getting used to the pace". It was busy from the start and that lasted for 19 months.
It was 19 months of rewarding, meaningful experience that I look back at with pride and gratitude. In that short amount of time, I learned to organise and execute events, interact with residents offline and online, design and copywrite posters, manage social media accounts, and so on. Indeed, I do have much to celebrate about my stint there.
19 months later, my then Deputy Director encouraged me to move on. She came from a good place, and she had nothing but confidence in my ability to secure a permanent job. After a good 1 hour of "nagging", I began my search for my next job.
True enough, I earned myself a non-contractual position. For the first time in 2 years (ie. since I graduated), I finally scored a permanent job. My mom was over the moon. I, on the other hand, was hesitant. The job I was in empowered me to take charge and I enjoyed the steep learning curve. Will my next job give me the same sense of accomplishment?
I don't know.
It's hard to explain what my job entails to people outside of my section. (For the same reason, I haven't been able to update my LinkedIn profile.) But I would like to believe that we are the behind-the-scene heroes. Just that what I want to believe and what I currently believe are worlds apart.
Exactly 5 months into the job and I'm still not sure what my purpose is. I'm not sure if I'm doing a decent job. I'm not sure how I can improve and be better at what I do. I'm not sure if my bosses made the right decision picking me for the job.
As compared to my previous job, I knew exactly what was expected of me. There were indicators to assess my performance and I always knew where I stood against my own standards and my bosses'. Here, it's a different ball game altogether.
I'm not sure I will ever find out if I'm doing a good-enough job or if I'm meeting expectations, and not knowing where I stand sometimes invites anxiety and uncertainty. On those bad days, the inner voices tell me I'm aberrant and a terrible fit for the job. I often wonder if I shouldn't have left my previous workplace or if I should have gone into full-time writing. But now that I'm here, all I can do is acquiesce the situation I am in and make the best out of it -- the way I always (try to) do.
I'm learning to be okay with the way things are. And some days, I am really okay.
I learned that even if work is few and far between, I will strive to deliver my best. I learned that it's natural to be unsure, and there's no shame in asking "stupid" questions. I learned that lunchtime can be as simple as talking about the birds we hear in our neighbourhoods, and still be enjoyable.
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