Late night update.

23 minutes passed midnight and I suddenly had this urge to update this site.

Moments ago, my mom, sis and I were sitting on the bed and we started talking about family.

I conclude there are two kinds of family - the immediate one and the not-so-immediate one. In all honesty, I absolutely love my immediate family. 5 years ago, I'd never have thought my family could mean this much to me but today, I know I can't live without them. (':

Okay, the picture is missing the brother but you get the point. These people are the closest, dearest relationships I treasure unconditionally and I don't know what I'd do if we never found the meaning of truly being a family. I consider myself very blessed that my family, having been through all sorts of ups and downs, never gave up on each other and we stand firmly together.

Even though the father left me at a very early age, even though I spent 10 years trying to fill that void he left behind, I'm proud to say I no longer feel incomplete because who I have now holds me together and I'm more than just thankful for that. (':

And then we have the not-so-immediate family.

I always told myself the disagreements the adults have should never affect the next generation's bond. And while we have all managed to keep the adults' problems away from us, I don't suppose that's enough for us to be getting each others' backs.

I thought being the same age, we would understand each other better since we were more likely to go undergo a similar process. And yes, while the latter is true, I can't say the same for the former.

I'd say with all honesty that I don't fancy this competitive nature our society has moulded. Which explains why I don't ever disclose my grades to my friends or even discuss academic matters with them because I know, at the end of the day, we are all fighting for the top spot and any one of us can displace each other. Seeing my friends in that light would be very damaging to my friendships so, instead, I sincerely encourage them and congratulate them when they do well or perk them up when they don't do up to their expectations.

But, to see such an intense rivalry up-close from someone I've known since birth is just very distasteful. No, I've no right to judge your actions or criticize your behaviour because I don't know your story and we spent a long time away from each other because of the adults. The yearly Chinese New Year affair only served to reaffirm our unfamiliarity with one another but I thought that was fine as long as we worked towards a better relationship.

Guess I was being too naive for my own good.

So if competing with us makes you feel better about yourself, I say go ahead. But don't expect me to entertain you. I'm not doing any exceptional, I'm not trying to outdo anyone but myself. Each day, I try to better myself, to improve myself. Each day, I try to be a happier and brighter person. How else do I spread the love and joy if I don't start with myself? That's just the way I think.

For you, if forever trying to "outdo" me/my sis gives you the necessary motivation to move forward, sure. In fact, I'd be more than glad to provide that sort of encouragement. But I'm not going to take part in that battle of yours. In the end, if its pride you're talking about, then let me ask you just what is your pride worth? Yes, your happiness is important. Yes, your impression of yourself is important. But if that's all that's within your horizon, then I sure pity you.

Also, if you have so much hate for this world, why don't you try to do anything to change it? Though truth is, change begins with oneself. If you're able to hate, it means you're able to feel more positive emotions. It is all in the mentality. Sometimes we feel as if we've been in the dumps for too long, that every day is bleak and gloomy and you just can't wait for the day to end where you can return to your safe haven (if you have one) but sometimes we really need to look beyond what we can only see and feel the goodness this world has.

Of course, not every one is kind and not every one is going to make your day. Sure enough, you'll encounter nasty people, be forced to put up with unpleasant comments/opinions or even find yourself caught in the strangest/most awkward situations but every single thing makes us who we are. And it don't always translate into a bad thing. There is some good in every so-called 'bad' thing, I'm sure. We just have to look further, look deeper.

This world does not revolve around you and we are not obliged to dutifully follow your wishes. We all work toward our goals. We all strive to be one step closer to our desired destination every day. If you can't recall a reason you're holding on, just remember this is your happiness and no one can take that away from you except you. So if you're not happy, you have to start being happy.

But don't forget the way you carry yourself determines the way others will look at you. So if you say something as insensitive as, "I have no sympathy for humankind," then don't expect others to look at you with kind eyes.

Just because you didn't grow up in a so-called family doesn't mean you're less privileged. You victimize yourself and you expect others to pity you and feel your pain? Not happening, my dear. Only those who can feel for others will have others feel for them and I'm afraid you don't happen to be someone like that.

Perhaps, at the end of it all, I'm just really tired of this pretense. Sometimes, its not just a pretense. Its about being in the wrong place at the wrong time, facing the wrong people and feeling the wrong way. And as much as I would love to not have to experience it anymore, I know its going to be this way for now, for a long time ahead. But I'm not going to blame anyone, or try to push the responsibility for my feelings to someone else. I'll face it head-on and I know I'm in charge of the way I feel.

This post is just a reminder to myself that not every one blood-related is going to be someone I can count on but my family will always be family.