I don’t think I will ever stop being fascinated by how fast time just slips by when I’m not paying attention. We have reached the last day of the year again . In retrospect, 2018 was indeed a year of personal development. This year threatened to tear my family apart on many occasions. Throughout the year, I have felt punished and penalised for the bad decisions one person made. I, born the youngest and unashamedly doted on the most since I was a child, ended up stepping up in these tight situations that forced me to fill shoes too big. Every one of these situations compromised familial ties and I am still working on mending these relationships. It will be a long-drawn process but my faith remains unshaken.  During the many unsteady months, God knows how often I’ve experienced a petulant loss of the head. I’ve desperately tried to find someone/something to blame for the constantly tumultuous periods. Those times really heightened my anxiety and it has become something I’m learning t...

An unintentional break. 2018 has truly been a challenging year, and an even harder one for any content creation. Each time I'm inspired to update this space, the drive disappears as soon as I come face-to-face with this blank page. But I'm hoping it'll be different today. At the moment, there are many thoughts rushing through my mind but the one word that sums it all up is realisations. I remember the first day of work at my previous workplace with much clarity. We were in the midst of preparing for a high-point event and I was not spared the hustle from the get-go. There was no such thing as "getting used to the pace". It was busy from the start and that lasted for 19 months. It was 19 months of rewarding, meaningful experience that I look back at with pride and gratitude. In that short amount of time, I learned to organise and execute events, interact with residents offline and online, design and copywrite posters, manage social media accounts, and so ...

As I watched him lay there with a neck brace moaning in pain from multiple rib fractures, all I could do was cry. It was an uncontrollable sob governed by pure emotions of shock, fear, and ultimately despodence. My mind was blank, incapable of thought. Less than an hour ago, my sister walked into my room and said, " Ma, don't get a shock. " By then, I had jumped wide awake. " Your son got involved in a car accident. " My heart sank like all the other times it did when we were rudely awakened at 530AM in the morning. It seemed like the most appropriate hour for misfortune to happen - my aunt's passing, my grandpa's admittance. That morning felt all too familiar but the only words I was capable of " Never mind, let's get changed first. " ~~~~~~~~~~ The last two weeks have been nothing short of tumultuous, belligerent even. Hard as I try, I found myself breaking down one too many times. Sleep was rare and far between and whatever ...

Hello 2018. With dark clouds that weren't merely threatening to dampen this celebratory mood looming outside, I was armed with a powered vacuum cleaner doing one last clean out for the year. I thought to myself that the weather these days is nothing short of felicitous but I will crash into the new year energised like the ball of sunshine I am, albeit underlying with ambivalence. In retrospect, 2017 had been a pretty good year. It was less tumultuous than the many worst-case-scenarios I had adumbrated in this quiescent mind. And it was filled with mostly positive energy and good news. 1.  I travelled not once or twice but three  times. The year kicked off with a week-long vacation to Seoul where I spent some of my coldest days. Followed by yet another chilly holiday to Canada in May, and ended with a short getaway to Bintan in December. Seoul was a beautiful place, but I will never torment myself by traveling in winter again. It was not just my first time in Seo...

Catharsis. I've been meaning to update but inertia and procrastination is a lethal combination. I suppose it's also because I was so overwhelmed with uncontrollable emotions that it put a lock on the tap to let the words run smoothly. Heck, maybe I didn't even want to elucidate my thoughts because the clearer they became, the more apparent the insecurities grew. But I'm here now. Not yet sure where to begin but it's mostly good news; good enough for me to finally  return to zen mode. (About time, man. About time.) Just glad I made it in time to fully soak in the celebratory festive season. A few weeks ago, I was experiencing a one-of-a-kind low. I spent a lot of time focusing on me  the last couple of years. In that time, I gained great independence and learned to appreciate being on my own.  There is great satisfaction in being able to enjoy time alone with my (sometimes frightening) thoughts. It is in those moments that I learned to confront my...

It seems each time I take a break from this platform, I lose touch with being able to put together a decent post without countless edits. (Oh, before I forget.  Hello there, August. ) The last several weeks have been terribly challenging; emotionally, mentally and eventually, physically as well. But amidst the chaos, I've somehow managed to keep my head high. I might have lost some shine but I'm still standing tall despite the numerous rough edges. This week would mark my first year as a full-time adult. And when I say adult , I mean leaving behind the option to select student  as occupation. Exactly a year ago, I took my first steps into office life as part of a publications unit. With excitement cavorting in my chest, I was so full of gratitude for the opportunity to put what I had learned in school to practical use. Back then, even I knew journalism was a closed market in Singapore and I would get nowhere as a writer even if I weren't exceptionally good. B...

It's Monday night. Thank God for the public holiday because I cannot imagine having to go through another week after barely making it out alive last week. " This week feels exceptionally long, " I told Jo. I must have told her the same thing twice a day from Wednesday onwards. It was unbearably long not because I had to work five days but because I had to deal with one too many unreasonable situations. I believe I was raised and trained by the best such that my threshold for bullshit is incredible. I'm not sure how many out there could sit through the kind of situations I did without uttering a word, just trying to make sense of what was going on. Six months into this job and I've gotten the most ridiculous feedback. Oh, I didn't think of them as ridiculous feedback  from the start. When I was first told, I took the feedback seriously. I wasn't eager to prove myself but I wanted to improve myself for me . One of the Mondays a few weeks ago, I fou...

It's been a rough week. It'll be Monday all over again when I wake up in the morning and I truly hope I'll be looking forward to a good week. I don't have very much planned but I'll be meeting the cousins tomorrow and we're going on a very important mission to town. Other than that, I sure hope I'll emerge against all odds from the previous week. I took my first steps into the corporate world in August. Although I had been working endlessly since the end of my 'A' levels, I was in a different position. Like many others, I was a fresh graduate hoping to land myself a full-time job despite the worsening economy and job market. Fortunately, I was offered a temporary position at a statutory board. I had applied for a temporary position as a manager at the publications unit. The job opening stated 9 months so I did some quick calculations and realised it would coincide nicely with my upcoming Canada trip in April. So I was beyond thrilled ...

Last night, as I had my daily conversation with Papa, I told him I've come a long way. Indeed, I am no longer the traumatised 7-year-old struggling living in the shadows of overprotective adults and memories of an unfamiliar father figure. I am now this brave, independent 23-year-old taking the world head on. I often wonder how differently I would turn out to be if Papa was around. Pretty sure he'd still be holding my hand when we cross the roads, he'd still be cooking fried rice in the middle of the night and leaving the unwashed dishes in the sink till morning, he'd still be falling asleep on the sofa while watching soccer (I'm not even sure he actually watches ); above all, he would be the man to lead the family. In retrospect, Papa never failed his duties as a father. If we had spent more time together, I believe he would be the father I asked for and more. This household would be different. We would be different. I  would be different. Here ...

Ahhh,  just one more day to the weekends. It has been slightly more than 6 weeks since I entered the corporate world and I must say it has been one hell of a ride (in a good way). As I continued searching for a permanent job in the last 6 weeks, I have attended countless job interviews and needless to say, they have amounted to nothing. I'm not particularly discouraged because I believe everything happens for a reason but I suppose my mom is feeling more jittery than I am. I had the  most unpleasant job interview yesterday and it really left a mark. In fact, it left me wondering whether I deserved such unjustified treatment from whom seemed like a self-entitled high-handed hiring manager. They say you get better with each job interview and I cannot agree more. So after months of job-hunting, I decided to pen down a couple of lessons learned. 1   Be you No one should go into a job interview pretending to be someone else. Of course, we wished we were the perfect ...

Beginnings are always like this.  One minute everything exists, the next  minute everything is lost. - Murakami's Blind Willow, Sleeping Willow (A 'Poor Aunt' Story) ~~~~~~~~~~ This is one of my all-time favourite quotes from Murakami. Given, I do not read many of his books but this is the one quote that has captivated me. The recent weeks have been nothing short of challenging. " God must be testing me, " is what I think to myself these days. Apart from everything I've had to deal with at home, I find myself questioning a friendshi p: Is it time to let go now? I remember how eminent friendship problems were back during my teens. Girls being girls, we exaggerated everything from the start to the end  – the discord, the hurt, the root problem  – and I was more than glad to be over and done with that phase when it ended. That's not to say I underestimate the severity of friendship problems but I believe most of us mature with time a...

Death sure is a strange thing. I don't necessarily fear it but I don't fancy being there when it happens, especially to a loved one. On some days, I think about the day God sliced Papa away from our lives. I would think about all the what-if s and could-be s if he was still around. I imagine he'd be the one changing light bulbs and assembling new cupboards, killing cockroaches and shifting furniture for us. On nights he returned home late from work, we'd have his signature fried rice for supper and durian parties during the season. I imagine he'd drop me off at school before work and on nights I came home a little too late, he'd grumpily offer to pick me up and then rain on me for staying out. Over time, those what-if s turned into wishful thinking. Truth is, I look into the mirror on some days and see the 7-year-old me still distressed, still confused, still naively thinking Papa is going to come home. Years later, when I finally began to understa...