Three months done with 2021 and I’m glad to report I’m doing better than I imagined I would.
A couple of weeks ago, I had my performance review for work done in 2020. (I realise I did not do the yearly round-up post so this would be an opportune moment to reflect on the tulmultous 2020.)
2020 was a year of growth.
Many of my friends and colleagues — present and erstwhile — know this: Between 2018 to 2020, I had tried to quit my job as soon as I joined.
But I am now less desperate to leave.
As soon as I turned down the offer to return to a workplace that I was pretty much attached to, I knew another similar offer would not come around again for a long time. And precisely because I knew exactly what I was getting myself into, I steeled my motivation and drive to do better where I am.
I have no regrets.
2020 was the year I became more confident at the job — that became part of who I am and eventually spilled over to other aspects of my life.
When I joined the organisation, I was told to be a “young, thirsty officer”. I did not know what that meant (and I’m not sure I do now). They said if I came across as one, I would have better career prospects.
In my first year, I was called out for inappropriate dressing and labelled ‘flighty’.
I knew myself to be a completely different person and felt like a tremendously misunderstood character. I had always been a soft-spoken, overly-conscious person. I cared too much about what others said and how I appeared to them.
As a result of the feedback, I grounded myself in my cube. Even leaving my seat to the washroom was scary. What would people think when they saw me? Would I have to say hi to everyone I saw along the way?
These thoughts sound laughable now but they were crippling back then.
Maybe I was too much of a quixotic person that my defence mechanism was to victimise myself. I am not the most ambitious person, but I wanted to prove to myself that I was the person I knew myself to be.
In a span of two years, I forced myself out of my comfort zone and started approaching my teammates for help. I had to build up institutional knowledge and learn the ropes at an accelerated pace. I stumbled at times, failed other times. But I kept going and going and going, because I had to for my own sake.
In 2020, I skipped the facile generalisations and surfaced more substantiated arguments. I became more natural at navigating the issues I was assigned. I was acclimatised to the nature and pace of the work.
I will not say 2020 was without challenge or struggle. It was far from that. Whatever I struggled with when I first joined, I still struggle to wrap my head around now. But it was a good year and one I bade goodbye to light-heartedly.
2021 has been amazing so far. I started a new portfolio and it definitely feels like I am back at ground zero. I already knew it was going to be a steep learning journey and while I enjoy and value the learning opportunities, I cannot deny that I also feel helpless. Going from being able to confidently navigate unchartered to calling for help every time I am assigned a task makes me feel like deadweight.
I know I am my worst critic. I discredit and sabotage myself, and convince myself I am not where I should be. I always fall short of my own expectations.
Starting from scratch has always been daunting — even more so now after I started from scratch three times before. Who knew I would be starting from scratching after establishing myself?
But I will be okay.
I know this from past experiences. I have never emerged from the fires unscathed but I have always emerged alive. This year may be a breeze but a gentle reminder to myself to just breathe.
Breathe, Smi. Breathe.
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