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Because you are you.

Decided I should give this site a slight update before heading back to completing my data-driven report which will be up here on Thursday as part of my curriculum for Online Journalism. My initial intent to focus on online shopping has shifted to eating disorders, especially Anorexia Nervosa, so look forward to it! ت So... I've been feeling down the past couple of days. I think school has finally taken its toll on me and I'm all burned out and it has started to feel like a drag. After one week of resting at home, I've lost all motivation to go to school. In fact, since some 3 weeks ago, I began feeling extremely tired and worn out. ☹ Yesterday was probably the tipping point. I skipped school and headed out to Serene's house with the sister and Sandy. Mama was evidently not too happy about it. Even the sister chided me for not going to school again. I was all fine with that though. I mean, its not like I didn't expect it either so I was sufficiently prepared to face the "scoldings". When Mama came home in the evening, I was eager to share my day with her as usual so I started, "I went to Serene's house today," and before I could elaborate further, Mama said, "See, these are unnecessary things you don't have to do. Why do you have to go to Serene's house with your sister?" That was it. My heart sank till I could not find it and I couldn't bring myself to say anything anymore. Perhaps I was disappointed at the fact that no one in this family ever bothers to understand me or show the slightest concern about whether I'm emotionally alright or not. Just because I go to school every day doesn't make me a happy person even if it makes you one. Sometimes, all I want is for the family to offer some comfort. When I reach a point I can't lift my head up anymore, I wish someone would tell me it's alright, take a break and start afresh when I'm feeling better. I wish someone would offer unconditional support and assure me when I'm feeling insecure. You see, sometimes I reach this crossroad where I'm exhausted and I would appreciate someone to sincerely and genuinely care for me. All my life, I've always felt like I was not good enough. And I know it even though I ignore it because I know if I let that thought dominate, I'll lose all strength to fight back. So I never let it affect me. I'd brush it off and tell myself I'm worth it. But I know I'll never be good enough. In all the examinations I've sat for, there is not one I can safely say Mama is proud of. I know she pinned all her hopes and expectations on me and I do try to reach them but, as life may be, I always fall short. Sometimes I want to tell her how sorry I am for being a daughter she can never be proud of but I'm me. I wish Mama would talk to me nicely and try to figure out what I feel, instead of forcing her ideals on me. Going to school doesn't make me happier but I like what I'm doing now. I enjoy studying communications and I don't regret the decision I made. But I'm tired. And even if you can't be understanding of that, it's fine. Just don't push me further away from you with your harsh words. I, too, am human. As much as I listen to you complain about politics in the office, I wish you would just once listen to the voice I could never speak of. Truth is, I'm afraid. Of people, of school, of my own family. In fact, I'm even afraid of myself.
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