And yes, I am back again. (-:
Maybe I've gotten better at organizing my thoughts and feelings that I'm able to blog more fluently now. When I took such a long break from blogging, it was initially difficult to get back into the habit of expressing myself through words. During my absence from this space, I was often on Twitter, summarizing everything I wanted to say to 140 characters, or on Instagram, which wasn't very much for reflections. Okay, so the point is, I'm glad I'm back. ت
So! Like the post title suggests, yes, I took the first step again.
Some 3 years ago, I had a friend, whose name did frequently appear on this site in previous posts when this space was still private, but we eventually stopped talking due to circumstances as well as the decisions I made.
Truth is, for a long while, I wondered whether I made the right decision or not. It seemed I had forcefully shut this friend out of my life because I was convinced (by the people around me who I do consider friends) that he wasn't going to be a good influence for the life I was planning ahead. And so I cut off all connections with this friend while pushing all the blame to him to reduce the overwhelming dissonance I felt while having to go through with the decision I made.
I lived with this reason that if I meant as much as he said I did to him then he would have held me back and stopped me from walking out of his life. However, I failed to realize that if I seriously meant to walk out on anybody, no one would be able to stop me. And sometimes, we let people go because we feel its better than holding onto someone who's no longer interested.
But, after a while, I just stopped and suddenly this unmeasurable guilt just filled me through the brim. In (repeated) attempts to make myself feel better, I text him apologetic messages expecting him to respond in a more comforting way but that didn't happen. Instead, it made it more awkward for us to continue the conversation.
I still remember seeing him again back in March but I couldn't look him in the eye and we were just 2 strangers in the same place at the same time. Funny how I still remember the whole picture and everything that happened on our last encounter. But it made me sad because the person right in front of me was someone that meant so much to me yet I couldn't do anything.
I still remember the times he'd comfort me or confide in me, the times he'd nag at me or tease me and the times we studied together. When I had more than enough problems to handle on my own, his words often lessened my burden. Most importantly, he stood up for me in front of every one else when they tried to put me down.
In the moment I let him go, I thought I was doing the best thing for myself but now I realize what I did back then wasn't right at all. I had biased misconceptions about him drilled into my head by my friends who judged him in ways I wouldn't have and in ways I knew weren't true. Yet, my inability to accept change made it difficult for him to be my friend. And so we parted ways.
Until last night. ت
I often experience this 3 seconds of insane courage and in that 3 seconds, I don't think. I just go ahead with what my heart tells me and I'm glad I did last night.
With that sudden rush of courage, I dropped him a text again and, well, I was expecting a reply but I didn't know what to expect. I'm just really glad it turned out well. (':
I still don't know how things are going to turn out and I'm not going to let myself expect or hope for anything in particular. I'm just going to let things go the way it will naturally. But what I know is this time, I'm not letting go anymore because I know that definitely won't make me happier. If we have problems, we talk things out and we overcome them.
Time to catch up on my readings now! More group meetings in the next 2 days and I'm not proud to say I have yet to start revising for Jap's quiz on Friday. ): Well, the night is still young!
Have a great one, y'all! ت
Maybe I've gotten better at organizing my thoughts and feelings that I'm able to blog more fluently now. When I took such a long break from blogging, it was initially difficult to get back into the habit of expressing myself through words. During my absence from this space, I was often on Twitter, summarizing everything I wanted to say to 140 characters, or on Instagram, which wasn't very much for reflections. Okay, so the point is, I'm glad I'm back. ت
So! Like the post title suggests, yes, I took the first step again.
Some 3 years ago, I had a friend, whose name did frequently appear on this site in previous posts when this space was still private, but we eventually stopped talking due to circumstances as well as the decisions I made.
Truth is, for a long while, I wondered whether I made the right decision or not. It seemed I had forcefully shut this friend out of my life because I was convinced (by the people around me who I do consider friends) that he wasn't going to be a good influence for the life I was planning ahead. And so I cut off all connections with this friend while pushing all the blame to him to reduce the overwhelming dissonance I felt while having to go through with the decision I made.
I lived with this reason that if I meant as much as he said I did to him then he would have held me back and stopped me from walking out of his life. However, I failed to realize that if I seriously meant to walk out on anybody, no one would be able to stop me. And sometimes, we let people go because we feel its better than holding onto someone who's no longer interested.
But, after a while, I just stopped and suddenly this unmeasurable guilt just filled me through the brim. In (repeated) attempts to make myself feel better, I text him apologetic messages expecting him to respond in a more comforting way but that didn't happen. Instead, it made it more awkward for us to continue the conversation.
I still remember seeing him again back in March but I couldn't look him in the eye and we were just 2 strangers in the same place at the same time. Funny how I still remember the whole picture and everything that happened on our last encounter. But it made me sad because the person right in front of me was someone that meant so much to me yet I couldn't do anything.
I still remember the times he'd comfort me or confide in me, the times he'd nag at me or tease me and the times we studied together. When I had more than enough problems to handle on my own, his words often lessened my burden. Most importantly, he stood up for me in front of every one else when they tried to put me down.
In the moment I let him go, I thought I was doing the best thing for myself but now I realize what I did back then wasn't right at all. I had biased misconceptions about him drilled into my head by my friends who judged him in ways I wouldn't have and in ways I knew weren't true. Yet, my inability to accept change made it difficult for him to be my friend. And so we parted ways.
Until last night. ت
I often experience this 3 seconds of insane courage and in that 3 seconds, I don't think. I just go ahead with what my heart tells me and I'm glad I did last night.
With that sudden rush of courage, I dropped him a text again and, well, I was expecting a reply but I didn't know what to expect. I'm just really glad it turned out well. (':
I still don't know how things are going to turn out and I'm not going to let myself expect or hope for anything in particular. I'm just going to let things go the way it will naturally. But what I know is this time, I'm not letting go anymore because I know that definitely won't make me happier. If we have problems, we talk things out and we overcome them.
Time to catch up on my readings now! More group meetings in the next 2 days and I'm not proud to say I have yet to start revising for Jap's quiz on Friday. ): Well, the night is still young!
Have a great one, y'all! ت
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