I remember

"Whoever has (gratitude) will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have (gratitude), even what they have will be taken from them."

I've been meaning to talk about this for a while now and even though I've drafted this post a number of times, I never seem to be able to find the right coherence to structure my thoughts smoothly. Still, I'm going to attempt to shed light on the new perspective of life I've taken up.

I began the post with a very meaningful quote; a quote I took a long time to come across and the same quote changed my life some months ago.

Believe it or not, I was pretty much a passive kid as I was growing up. I played along with my friends' opinions and rarely went against the flow.

Apart from being a passive kid, I was also rather pessimistic.

It's definitely not the best combination but I was pessimistic for as long as I remember, right up till I was about 18.

Some nights I go to bed feeling bad about my own existence, pitying myself for so many reasons including feeling not-as-loved by my own family. It was a terrible feeling to go to sleep with and I don't think I woke up feeling any better.

At some point, I probably didn't like being part of this family.

My brother was a typical troublemaker but he got off every single time. He'd make my mom so angry but she never seemed to remain pissed for long.

My sister was (and still is) the perfect middle child. She might not have been a straight As student but she was very independent and was praised by teachers and peers alike. My mom never had to worry about her.

But it always felt different in my case.

I was an intelligent student. I had many friends and I enjoyed playing catch after school. Maybe because I was the baby of the household but my mom was very, very protective of me.

I drank from the milk bottle till I was 7. I never learned to cross the roads until I was 12. And I never dared to buy my own food from the coffee shop downstairs my place until I was maybe 15.

I didn't think it was abnormal but now I obviously think otherwise.

Truth is, I feel this today - as I was growing up, I wanted to live up to my mom's expectations because she was all I knew and had but somewhere along the way, I realized the emptiness my dad left behind only grew with the days and instead of accepting it, I was rejecting it.

I lived with regret knowing I'll never know my father the way my siblings did and I'll always be jealous of the Sunday mornings my sister had with him.

I sometimes regret not being a Daddy's girl and that feeling once ate me up so bad I remember feeling worthless for days.

But I survived.

While living so vigorously and furiously, I thought life was going great but it went downhill faster than I could have noticed.

I was constantly angry at everyone but I was actually most angry at myself.

I don't know when but every day was like a new episode of a long-running sitcom. It was tiring and I always had new problems to deal with.

Being in an all-girls school might have encouraged all that drama. I mean, it was the Gossip Girl era and Confessions of a Shopaholic era.

From friendships to academics and even my relationship with my family, everything spiraled downward and it took an extremely long time to recover.

I look back now and realize the darkness I trudged through back then was just the Universe responding to the vibrational energy of my negative emotions.

Did I really think wallowing in self-pity would attract better things into my life? No. In fact, the only thing I believed in was my worthlessness as a person and life was only going to get worse.

How I pulled myself out from that shitty period was nothing easy or impressive.

I didn't talk myself out of it, someone else did and in that case I must say my blessings began with that one person who broke down all my walls against my will with his impartiality for anything ridiculous.

I went from sigh-another-day-in-this-shithole to life-seems-to-be-getting-better in 2 years. Yup, 2 friggin' years.

Every one now knows me as the happy-and-bright-and-incredibly-positive Smita but I wasn't always like that.

Life definitely started improving when JC began.

I used to say NYJC wasn't the most enjoyable place to be in but it was the place in which I saw myself change the most.

I was surrounded by good friends; friends I still turn to when things get rough and friends I'd hold the skies up for.

Even though studying remained a pain, I got through 12-hour school days because I was surrounded by good people who were generous with sincere encouragement and truly wanted me to do well.

I felt it, and for the first time I thought I didn't have to pit myself against everyone. I wasn't competing with them and I wasn't trying to be better than anyone but myself. To 

As the encouragement flowed in, so did the positive vibes.

Unsurprisingly, mornings were filled with energy and anticipation. I was excited to be in school, to see my friends and, even though I hated it, I was prepared to conquer whatever Physics/Chemistry/Math/Econs questions.

I was gradually preparing to confront and beat the passive little Smi who still desperately screamed for attention at the back of my head.

Couple of years on, I was exposed to The Secret.

Whatever the book advocated, I believed. It was worth a shot and I wanted to solidify the change in my life anyway.

I was so motivated that I presented the concept for my final assignment in Speech class.

But my teacher was clearly unimpressed with the entire presentation.

I remember standing in front of the class 20 minutes after presenting the idea and getting tons of unpleasant feedback from my teacher. (Not about the content but about the technicalities of a good speaker.)

For someone who has stage fright, it was already torturous enough to stand in front of class and do the same damned thing every week but that last session of feedback was one that threw me off all grounds I rejected not only the idea of public speaking but also The Secret.

There, I let go of the opportunity to instill permanent change in my life.

But the opportunity came by again in October when I picked up the book my aunt sent my mom titled Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting For You.

It was a less formal version of The Secret but elaborated on the same concept.

It was not only a breeze to read through with the friendly tone of the book, I also had no Speech class to fear.

That marked the start of a wonderful journey of self-discovery and the drive to happiness.

My first book taught me to always feel good. Regardless of the situation, as long as you can find something to feel good about, you're emitting good vibes and that can only attract more good vibes.

Wherever I was, I was learning to switch on the Feeeeeeeeeeel Good.

Out went the negative emotions even if I was stuck in a jam or if customer service was unsatisfactory. No matter where I was, I was trying my best to vibrate positively, even if I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And I was getting the hang of it.

But before any book, I one day woke up and decided that I shall not give a fuck about what others thought of me. 

I possibly grew sick of people telling me what to do and how to live my life. I... just didn't want to do that anymore.

I decided that this life is mine and only mine. I have one shot at making the best out of it and that's what I shall do.

Every morning, I'd tell myself: Be awesome today, Smi and that instantly perks me up because I knew I could be whatever I want.

As with the first book I read, I learnt to control my emotions and I learnt to effectively switch from Feel Bad to Feel Good. It was amazing.

But it wasn't until The Magic that I fully utilized the power of gratitude to change my life around, for good.

I practiced gratitude for 28 days without fail and I did each step according to the book's guideline.

I saw relationships improve. I saw unexpected money come in. I saw health improvements. Most importantly, I saw an abundance of happiness in everything.

Nowadays I wake up and the first 3 things I'm thankful for is health, wealth and love.

I thank the Universe for the gift of health, for whatever money I have and the money that's on its way to me and for the love I've received throughout my life.

Not just blindly thanking, of course. With each thank you, I focus on filling myself up with gratitude.

Everyday, I also sprinkle a little magic on everyone around me by vibrating positive thoughts about them.

They could be complete strangers, like when I see gloomy-looking people in the trains, or friends who are going through a tough period. I share the magic with them by sending out good vibes through my thoughts and that not only makes me feel good, it could possibly make them feel better too.

We often don't realize how our thoughts affect others because we never once considered that possibility but it's true that our thoughts send out electromagnetic waves that vibrate on different frequencies depending on the kind of thoughts we have so it's not surprising we attract things similar to our thoughts.

In short, that just means we should keep trying to think happy thoughts and feel as genuinely happy about them as we can.

Apart from filling myself with happy thought every day, I try as hard as I can to focus on my wants.

Now, I don't worry about how it's going to happen or when it'll happen because if I do then my wants will never come to me. Instead, I emerge myself in the situation where I already have my wants.

I think about all the things I'd do when an abundance of money rolls in. I think about all the things I'd do with my future partner. I think about all the things I'd do in my free time. And I get so engrossed with imagining a life different from the life I'm living right that it makes me happy.

We complain about how sick we are about life and how we wish things were different but even as we think we are focusing on a different, better life, truth is, we continue to worry about the way life is now. And worry is not a very positive emotion.

I worried a lot. No doubt, I was unhappy, extremely unhappy with the way life was. If anything, I wished I could wake up to a different me the next morning because everyday just felt like a drag, a long, long drag.

I was tired but things weren't changing. I thought I was focusing on the better life that I pictured but it never happened because all I really dwelled on was the shitty life then.

Sounds like what we always do, right?

The person I am today worries a lot lesser and keeps all the happy thoughts nearby. I may not have fully mastered the art of switching on Feel Good but I'm getting better at it everyday.

I feel good and in that moment I know nothing bad can possibly happen because I am vibrating positive energy and that means I can only attract more positivity into my life.

The Magic definitely taught me to live a better life.

The fastest way out of the hell hole you're in is to first fill yourself with gratitude because no matter how tough life is, at least you're alive and breathing and that itself is something worth being grateful for.

If you've only experienced terrible things so far, then seek comfort in knowing you've taken away valuable lessons from them and if you can experience bad things, you can most definitely experience the goodness in life as well.

Remember:

"Whoever has (gratitude) will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have (gratitude), even what they have will be taken from them."