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Life is a journey

I just want to enjoy the ride.
What is the hurry?
It's pretty early.
It's okay,
We'll take our time.

~~~~~~~~~~

I never imagined nights like this would occur again but tonight, tonight is one of those nights the unanswered questions I've strictly kept sealed at the back of my mind come out to haunt me.

Four years. It's been four years now.

Whenever Chew and I talk about our time at NYJC, we both conclude that while it might not have been the best two years of our lives, we're still thankful for the outcome.

But there are nights like this when I think about a certain someone, someone I've literally put in so much effort to stop myself from thinking of, and wonder about all those could-have-beens.

These thoughts used to surface so often and all I could do was cry myself to sleep because I was scared. I was scared of the conclusions I'd end up at and the things I'd end up convincing myself of. I was so good at self-destruction that my survival instinct kept these thoughts locked away.

Four years later, I don't know if I've gotten any better at managing situations like this. I don't know if I'm ready to confront the thoughts that consume me whenever I let my guard down.

It's no one's fault, I tell myself. But truth is, I do blame myself.

No matter how many times I apologise, no matter how many times I've been forgiven, I don't think I'll be able to easily come to terms with myself.

I made a decision that was best for me at that point in time but years on, I cannot say the same. Why?
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