If not now, when?

I have been trying to document some thoughts in the last two weeks at least but this post has remained as a draft for the longest time yet.

Every night, I come back to this draft and try to translate my thoughts into words as accurately as possible but as I edit and re-edit the same post, I start wondering if people would understand what I'm trying to get at.

Today, I'm just not going to care anymore because all I want to do is remember this moment - the hardships, the trials and the rewards - so that my future self can look back at the person I am right now and be proud of all the decisions and choices I've made.

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As I enter my final year at university, I decided that I shall put in more than just my best to make the remaining days count and, of course, to pull up my GPA as much as I can.

I was brought up convinced the society will judge my worth based on how well I perform academically. Even though I no longer believe nor will I let my grades define how my future will be like, my mom insists I graduate with a first class honours.

I'm not doing this for my mom, of course.

I'm doing this because I want to make my last year at school the best. I want to prove to myself that I can and I will.

As a final-year student, there is something called Final Year Project (FYP) that every student at my faculty has to do.

It's basically a year-long project and I'm doing it with three other girls, whom I've never grouped with before except for Drea.

In the last three weeks, we've been brainstorming on what a good topic would be. Not just a good topic but something new and newsworthy, something that people would be interested in. And as easy as it sounds, it is actually one hella tough chore.

This is only the beginning but we've already sacrificed one Friday night and one Saturday afternoon just discussing on potential ideas only to have my supervisor shoot down all of them.

We also recently agreed on meeting every Friday, on top of every Monday, for five whopping hours to make sure we're progressing in the right direction.

Apart from FYP, I'm only doing two modules this semester - Korean and News Copy Editing - so I don't have anything to complain about. But, FYP is one major burden and I feel so stressed thinking about it because we have absolutely no clue how to move on from here if we don't miraculously, or not, come up with a superb idea.

That being said, since I'm only doing two modules, I really, really, really, really want to do well.

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Like many other university students, I also work outside of school.

For the longest time now, I have been relief teaching at several tuition centres (under the same company.)

I've been with the company since the end of A levels, where I worked five days a week during my long breaks and not at all during school. It was flexible like that.

I officially quit two years ago because I wanted more time for myself but the management offered me a position as a tutor and I thought why not? So I took up the offer and did relief teaching every now and then, whenever I could as long as I had the time.

June and July were the busiest months. Teachers would go on holidays and I'd be call in to relief as many as four classes a day on a weekend.

That was life - working whenever I had time, whether I had school or not.

Last December, my in-charge offered me a permanent class - Primary 4 English on Sunday mornings 10 a.m. to 12 p.m.

Of course I said yes!

I was beyond elated that such a precious opportunity came to me. Partly because I was living off my own earnings, having my own class meant a stable source of income. I also took up the class because I was going to spend the next five months interning and I would have time to commit on Sunday mornings.

With my own class comes its very own set of responsibilities - marking worksheets, going through the worksheets and making sure everyone benefits during that two hours.

Unlike relief teaching where I just deliver a given set of materials to the class, I have to keep track of the progress in class and how each student is faring. The class is not very big but every one is at a different standard and sometimes the weaker ones get left behind and I have to step in to make sure they're able to catch up somehow.

I now also bring home their work to mark - something I've never done before as a relief teacher.

It's a stressful job because students can get out of hand and they do turn uncontrollable at times. I do have to scold them and I do get angry at time. We do lose time because of this occasional power struggle.

There are times my words fall on deaf ears. There are times they disrupt lesson. There are times they can be demanding with their requests. There are times it takes all my energy just to maintain the synergy in class.

There are times I end up thinking: "What did I do to deserve this?"

Being a teacher is no easy feat but all is worthwhile. I've built rapport with the students and I enjoy listening to their stories. It makes me feel a part of their lives.

I may be their teacher but I'm also their friend.

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On the last day of internship, I signed a freelancer's contract with another magazine. (Yes, I did.)

I was interning for Her World magazine but on my last day, I signed a freelancer's contract with Simply Her magazine.

The Simply Her family is small but close-knitted, something I didn't feel when I was part of the Her World team. Maybe because I was only an intern so the lines were clearly drawn. The only friends I made at internship were the other interns.

At Simply Her, however, every one was so welcoming during my six-day stint with them. Yes, I only had six days to work with them in the office. Those were the six days right before the jubilee weekend right before school began.

But the team was very nice to me. I sat apart from them but every time I walked over to my editor's table, they'd smile at me and sometimes we'd have a little chat too.

In my short time with them so far, I've written five reviews and coordinate a couple of other stories too. It's a great deal considering I barely joined the team a month ago. I've contributed to the August, October and November issue.

For someone who has always dreamed about writing for a living, this opportunity is truly God-sent.

Since I'm majoring in journalism, I hone my writing skills as a freelancer and work on my copy-editing skills in school. Both skills work hand-in-hand and I'm stating to see it.

I absolutely enjoy my work. It's not just the writing but also the fact that I get to do so much more.

For example, I had complimentary entry to seven different escape rooms and four complimentary sessions at four different boutique gyms. I get to have fun and work out and the experiences continue to accumulate.

What more can I ask for? 

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My three occupations put together pile a heavy load on me for sure.

There are times I ask myself why I choose to walk such a difficult path, why I choose to lead such a hectic life, why I choose to load myself with so many assignments.

Apart from time management, my responsibilities teach me a lot about me - that I can anything if I put my heart into it.

I spend a lot of my time either freelancing, researching for FYP, preparing for quizzes, revising for Korean class or preparing for class on Sundays. These are all deadlines to me and like we all know, some deadlines are no joke.

Believe me when I say I sometimes do regret my decisions and choices.

My brother provides me school allowance. My mom and teeter make sure I ways have food to eat. We have a helper at home so I don't even need to worry about house chores.

Basically, I have everything I need to get by.

So why?

Because in life, I don't want to just get by.

I have always lived a sheltered life. I have never had to venture out of my comfort zone. I have everything I need.

But I don't know who I am, or what I can do yet.

Life was boring, mundane and unexciting. But life now is filled with surprises, opportunities and lots of blessings. Life now is filled with all the good stuff, all the immaterial stuff I never imagined I would have.

I feel more like a person now, a tiny human living in this huge world, a little being trying to make a living. I'm happy. I'm alive.

I have the time and energy now to do all of this. The monetary earnings are incentives but I've made a lot of friends from everywhere and their lives teach me about mine. It's a learning process.

I'm not book-smart. I don't aim to be book-smart either. I want to throw myself out there, plunge into uncertainty and fight for what I love while I still can.

Strip me down to the core and you'd find that at the end of the day, I'm just me.

I still spend some afternoons reading a book. I still spend some Friday nights out with my friends. I still reserve Sundays for my family.

In school, I'm a student. At the tuition centre, I'm a teacher. I'm a freelancer in my free time but I never forget that I'm a friend to others, a sister, a daughter; I never forget that I'm me.

There is only so much I can do but I don't want to let my self-drawn limits stop me from moving forward. So if I don't do this now, when?