Beginnings are always like this.
One minute everything exists, the next
minute everything is lost.
- Murakami's Blind Willow, Sleeping Willow (A 'Poor Aunt' Story)
~~~~~~~~~~
This is one of my all-time favourite quotes from Murakami. Given, I do not read many of his books but this is the one quote that has captivated me.
The recent weeks have been nothing short of challenging. "God must be testing me," is what I think to myself these days.
Apart from everything I've had to deal with at home, I find myself questioning a friendship: Is it time to let go now?
I remember how eminent friendship problems were back during my teens. Girls being girls, we exaggerated everything from the start to the end – the discord, the hurt, the root problem – and I was more than glad to be over and done with that phase when it ended.
That's not to say I underestimate the severity of friendship problems but I believe most of us mature with time and we learn to discern better with age. When the time comes to eliminate negativity from our lives, we'll be able to do it with pride and exclaim: "Good riddance!"
Life is supposed to get better as we grow older.
I've reached a point in life where I am willing to diligently work hard to sustain a friendship but I am also at a point in life where I've learned to say: Enough.
No one enjoys being on the shorter end of stick all the time. While I've been there before – blindly protecting oh-so-precious friendships because I naively assumed I was equally valued – I must admit I was compromised. God knows how many times I've cried myself to sleep feeling not good enough for those people.
Over the years, I realised no one is going to value me as much as I do myself. And I cannot expect others to cherish me the same way I do them. Instead, I've got to respect that all of us are made differently – we think differently, we behave differently, we love differently we laugh differently and so on.
I respect that.
And so whenever I find myself gravitating towards the shorter end, I know how to say no. I will not go back there again. I will never let myself return to that dreadful position ever. I am done being generous with second chances.
Kill them with kindness? Well, I tried but kindness apparently doesn't work on everyone.
Yes, I am now capable of cutting people out without batting an eyelid. And it's not because I don't feel bad (I mean, I am losing a friend after all), it's because I've learned that there are others who deserve my attention more.
A few years ago, I reconnected with a long-lost friend. Strange how we lived in the same neighbourhood but have never once bumped into each other until that fateful day.
I often believe God has got it all planned out for me somehow and there must be a reason He puts certain people in my life. So this re-connection turned out to be surprisingly pleasant in its early stages.
We had a good time catching up on the times we've missed on our 2 meet-ups. We talked about life as if we were part of each other's pasts even though we weren't physically present in each other's lives back then. You know, it's the kind of extraordinary conversations you have with a person who makes an effort to include you in her life and you feel you belong right there and then.
I enjoy those conversations.
I don't need to see a friend often or regularly.
The ol' friend and I lived apart the last 4 years but every time she returned to the country for summer, she never forgets to schedule a lunch or dinner with me. I hadn't seen the best friend since my 21st birthday in 2014 but he is there whenever I need someone to talk to (even if it's the most trivial stuff). Knowing his busy schedule, we only managed to meet last December and recently.
I don't need to see a friend often or regularly. I just need to know my friends remember me.
This friend probably doesn't.
I cannot say with confidence that she doesn't but it feels that way and you know when you make someone feel a certain way, the cracks already start to show.
A few weeks ago, I decided I'm done with the I'm-broke-so-I-can't-meet-you and I'm-sorry-I've-been-very-busy excuses. I didn't grow up in the best circumstances but if I have money for a simple lunch, I believe she did too. After all, she held a part-time job like I did. As for being busy all the time, anyone would make time for someone who matters to her. I would, the ol' friend would, the best friend would, Chew would; anyone would. If busy was your reason, then I'll forever be too busy for anyone.
When I finally got tired of those cheap excuses, I decided to stop trying all together. Why should I, right? I've done my part, perhaps even more than I should. Maybe there were even times I overdid and she felt I was pestering her.
Whatever it is, I'm done trying now.
I'm too tired to be chasing after someone who doesn't put in an ounce of effort to maintain a friendship. I'm too tired to be the only one trying to keep things together. I'm really tired.
Don't come back if you're just going to be about the same excuses again.
Just, don't.
The recent weeks have been nothing short of challenging. "God must be testing me," is what I think to myself these days.
Apart from everything I've had to deal with at home, I find myself questioning a friendship: Is it time to let go now?
I remember how eminent friendship problems were back during my teens. Girls being girls, we exaggerated everything from the start to the end – the discord, the hurt, the root problem – and I was more than glad to be over and done with that phase when it ended.
That's not to say I underestimate the severity of friendship problems but I believe most of us mature with time and we learn to discern better with age. When the time comes to eliminate negativity from our lives, we'll be able to do it with pride and exclaim: "Good riddance!"
Life is supposed to get better as we grow older.
I've reached a point in life where I am willing to diligently work hard to sustain a friendship but I am also at a point in life where I've learned to say: Enough.
No one enjoys being on the shorter end of stick all the time. While I've been there before – blindly protecting oh-so-precious friendships because I naively assumed I was equally valued – I must admit I was compromised. God knows how many times I've cried myself to sleep feeling not good enough for those people.
Over the years, I realised no one is going to value me as much as I do myself. And I cannot expect others to cherish me the same way I do them. Instead, I've got to respect that all of us are made differently – we think differently, we behave differently, we love differently we laugh differently and so on.
I respect that.
And so whenever I find myself gravitating towards the shorter end, I know how to say no. I will not go back there again. I will never let myself return to that dreadful position ever. I am done being generous with second chances.
Kill them with kindness? Well, I tried but kindness apparently doesn't work on everyone.
Yes, I am now capable of cutting people out without batting an eyelid. And it's not because I don't feel bad (I mean, I am losing a friend after all), it's because I've learned that there are others who deserve my attention more.
A few years ago, I reconnected with a long-lost friend. Strange how we lived in the same neighbourhood but have never once bumped into each other until that fateful day.
I often believe God has got it all planned out for me somehow and there must be a reason He puts certain people in my life. So this re-connection turned out to be surprisingly pleasant in its early stages.
We had a good time catching up on the times we've missed on our 2 meet-ups. We talked about life as if we were part of each other's pasts even though we weren't physically present in each other's lives back then. You know, it's the kind of extraordinary conversations you have with a person who makes an effort to include you in her life and you feel you belong right there and then.
I enjoy those conversations.
I don't need to see a friend often or regularly.
The ol' friend and I lived apart the last 4 years but every time she returned to the country for summer, she never forgets to schedule a lunch or dinner with me. I hadn't seen the best friend since my 21st birthday in 2014 but he is there whenever I need someone to talk to (even if it's the most trivial stuff). Knowing his busy schedule, we only managed to meet last December and recently.
I don't need to see a friend often or regularly. I just need to know my friends remember me.
This friend probably doesn't.
I cannot say with confidence that she doesn't but it feels that way and you know when you make someone feel a certain way, the cracks already start to show.
A few weeks ago, I decided I'm done with the I'm-broke-so-I-can't-meet-you and I'm-sorry-I've-been-very-busy excuses. I didn't grow up in the best circumstances but if I have money for a simple lunch, I believe she did too. After all, she held a part-time job like I did. As for being busy all the time, anyone would make time for someone who matters to her. I would, the ol' friend would, the best friend would, Chew would; anyone would. If busy was your reason, then I'll forever be too busy for anyone.
When I finally got tired of those cheap excuses, I decided to stop trying all together. Why should I, right? I've done my part, perhaps even more than I should. Maybe there were even times I overdid and she felt I was pestering her.
Whatever it is, I'm done trying now.
I'm too tired to be chasing after someone who doesn't put in an ounce of effort to maintain a friendship. I'm too tired to be the only one trying to keep things together. I'm really tired.
Don't come back if you're just going to be about the same excuses again.
Just, don't.
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