It seems each time I take a break from this platform, I lose touch with being able to put together a decent post without countless edits.
(Oh, before I forget. Hello there, August.)
The last several weeks have been terribly challenging; emotionally, mentally and eventually, physically as well. But amidst the chaos, I've somehow managed to keep my head high. I might have lost some shine but I'm still standing tall despite the numerous rough edges.
This week would mark my first year as a full-time adult. And when I say adult, I mean leaving behind the option to select student as occupation.
Exactly a year ago, I took my first steps into office life as part of a publications unit. With excitement cavorting in my chest, I was so full of gratitude for the opportunity to put what I had learned in school to practical use. Back then, even I knew journalism was a closed market in Singapore and I would get nowhere as a writer even if I weren't exceptionally good. But I was thankful that I was in a line of work I was passionate about.
Five months later, when my contract came to an abrupt end, I joined my current company where the bulk of my work is engagement with the local community. More than halfway through my contract and I must say it hasn't been easy coming this far, but I'm coping with a few realisations.
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1
The world is an ugly place.
I used to witness the world through filtered lens of my mom's carefully scripted descriptions. Life was as good as she set out to make it for us. I had minimal concerns, and my numerous questions about everything were skilfully answered by my mom.
But as I grew older, my concerns grew and the questions I had were no longer ones my mom could answer. Life became a journey of seeking answers and finding closure. And along the way, you meet (literally) all sorts of people who either turn out to be helping hands or lessons. Whichever kind they were, they brought me closer to what I was looking for.
I've met many, many good people - some I no longer keep in contact with, others I regularly meet up with. But it will never dim the torch they've helped to lit.
I learned to keep my faith in humankind. I believed in the good because no one is born inherently evil. I trusted everyone and anyone I met, and gave a part of me to them because they deserved it. They deserved sincerity and generosity, trust and faith, even if they ended up hurting me. Unfortunately, that hurt seemed to have grown recently.
Caustic remarks masked under the veil of good intentions, fiery comments spit in heated moments; these egregious exchanges make me lose faith in people. But it also reminds me of the person I don't want to be.
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2
But it's not just the living that makes these negative vibes restive.
I've had a hard time leaving everything to God since I was a kid. And it continues to haunt me today.
I've often questioned His intentions of taking away the people I love, in permanent ways especially. I wonder why He'd prefer to shorten the lives of good people.
As I stared longingly at the cold body of a precious friend, I thought how she looked exactly as I remember her to be - different, bold and out of this world but very much down to earth. "You belong to the world," I thought and there she was, on her way to where she belonged.
It was tough saying another goodbye.
Ironically, it was under that circumstances that we saw familiar faces gather together. Out of 40 persons, half of the class reunited. It was heart-breaking to send her off but it was comforting to catch up with old friends. Life sure works out in strange ways, doesn't it?
I've come close to Death many times. And I cannot even begin to describe how much I loathe it. It's scary, and you can never fully prepare for it. And because I can't prepare for when it ambushes another loved one, I promised myself I'll always make time.
I have to. No, I must.
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3
Much as I try, I must understand that some relationships are not meant to be.
I still haven't gotten used to the idea of ridding people who don't make an effort to remain in my life. I have done it before, but only after much heartache and hesitation. I don't wake up one day and decide who's out. It comes after much deliberation.
I must remember that God has a plan.
He puts me through ordeal after ordeal but I realise these are not battles against the world, it's a battle with myself.
I've lived facing the world head on. And I will continue to do. If there's anything God has taught me throughout the years, it's to be brave.
People can be mean and nasty. It's distasteful but the hard truth is there is nothing I can do to change the ways of others. After all, I am no perfect being either. Who am I to judge others?
In the meantime:
Live the life you love, and
Love the life you live
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