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You're always so happy.

Catharsis.

I've been meaning to update but inertia and procrastination is a lethal combination. I suppose it's also because I was so overwhelmed with uncontrollable emotions that it put a lock on the tap to let the words run smoothly. Heck, maybe I didn't even want to elucidate my thoughts because the clearer they became, the more apparent the insecurities grew.

But I'm here now. Not yet sure where to begin but it's mostly good news; good enough for me to finally return to zen mode. (About time, man. About time.) Just glad I made it in time to fully soak in the celebratory festive season.

A few weeks ago, I was experiencing a one-of-a-kind low.

I spent a lot of time focusing on me the last couple of years. In that time, I gained great independence and learned to appreciate being on my own. 

There is great satisfaction in being able to enjoy time alone with my (sometimes frightening) thoughts. It is in those moments that I learned to confront my fears and come up close with my flaws. I picked myself apart but learned to put myself together.

My self-worth was no longer determined by people's passing comments. I was neither afraid of what others thought of me nor affected by what others said. They didn't matter; I did.

I built walls so high I was selective with the people I truly opened up to.

In return, I was sincere in all exchanges. I dropped all pretenses and lived with humility knowing what I worked hard to become that person -- a better image of who I was before.

As I got used to the ground beneath me, I forgot what it was like to go with the flow. I was so used to having everything under control that I couldn't stand having anything sway me.

Some months ago, I let something shake me more than it should. And before I knew it, I was two foot in instead of approaching the matter with caution. Maybe, in that moment, I was convinced I could handle it even if matters turned awry. 

I couldn't.

Should have known I couldn't.

I felt like an absolute loser for letting something so menial and meaningless drag me down.

I spent a while getting over it. And in that time, I realised what a weak grasp I had over my feelings. I needed better control -- I would do better if I had more control over my emotions. And it's something I'm continuously working on now.

These days, D says I'm a "ball of sunshine" crashing in every morning in a not-so-good time for her.

That's an indication that I'm slowly regaining my usual self. Emotionally, I'm managing.

Physically -- I've gone back to working out regularly. I've committed to minimally 4-5 workouts a week, and it feels great.

I used to work out to distract myself from the never-ending worries and exaggerated problems. But now I work out because it helps me clear my mind, see the bigger picture and realise what's actually important.

I'm less fixated on counting calories and more focused on smashing my workout; that makes me happy.

Recently got wind of news pertaining to my contract, and it seems I'll be spending another year in this organisation.

I'm not complaining because I actually enjoy what I do. The more I do it, the more certain I become of what I want to pursue. And I'm so excited for what's to come!

I continue to write on the side but I'm keeping it to one article a month. And I've gone back to relief teaching classes for the centre. (Tomorrow marks my third and last relief class for the month!)

Figured I could afford to stop being obsessed wish working and focus on creating a life that's based on content. And right now, I am.
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